For the Reader

What Does It All Mean? 

Every so often I go through an existential crisis about my writing? Why do I write? Is anyone reading my books? Will I ever create something that has a lasting impact? Gah! Somedays pursing my dream as an author feels futile and a waste of time. These crises of doubt strike at random, like unexpectedly breaking wind as you sit down for a job interview or meeting your significant other’s parents. You never know when it will happen and the moment can shake you to your core.

It’s been a year of ups and downs for this author – lots of great times with family and friends, many moments of success for all my books coupled with the loss of my grandmother and other personal bumps along the road. Despite the wonderful recognition my books have received lately, keeping a positive attitude has been a challenge these past few months.

As you know, I’ve been working on a television treatment so I can pitch my book series to production companies. Despite having created and written the trilogy, putting together this treatment has been slow going and monumentally frustrating. With more than half the treatment completed and a light at the end of the tunnel, it struck me this week how immense this project is and my confidence was shaken at the thought that I might not finish. Or if I do finish the treatment, it might not get picked up by a production company.

It’s hard to put so much time and energy into something that might not sell. 

But is that really that any different than writing a book? 

There is never a guarantee that a completed manuscript will be published. Up until now that fact hasn’t stopped me from writing three manuscripts that I was lucky enough to have published. 

Yet for some reason, the thought of spending months on this treatment and not selling it is messing with my head. And it’s no surprise that it is hard to write when your mind is working against itself.

Oh, and did I mention that I still have plans to publish a book in 2024? So subconsciously, every day I spend writing this treatment is a day I am NOT working on my next book. No pressure…

Definitely not a productive state of mind. 

So what do I do to move past this?

First, cry. Just a bit. But I usually find a quick cry is a good way to release the tension and clear my head.

Tears dried, I set out to track where these feeling are coming from. Because they can’t all be stemming from that “what if I don’t sell the treatment?” nonsense. There must be something behind this anxiety.

After much deliberation, I figured out that my inability to find enough time to write this summer is a big culprit. Summers are always a challenge for me because I usually get most of my writing done while our son is at school. 

Fun fact about writers: we stress while we write as well as when we aren’t writing. Isn’t that fun? It doesn’t matter if we are in between projects and deliberately taking a break, if our daily life is too busy to sit down and write, or we’re working on a project and we discover a huge plot-hole; if someone is a writer, they’re usually existing in some state of anxiety. Despite working from home in our sweatpants, it’s a surprisingly stressful occupation.

So this the lack of writing time, coupled with with a slight stall in sales and reviews that have made me wonder if my books are just grains of sand on a vast literary beach. With so many books available today, how can I ever hope to catch constantly the eye of  new readers and generate sales? Marketing is a never-ending time suck. Social media doesn’t just require daily posts, but interaction with other users in order to stay relevant and forever praying that one can hit on that one elusive viral moment or trend where thousands or millions of people can finally discover your book.

I am blessed to have someone who helps me with my social media marketing, which allows me to focus more on writing. But the pressure to sell books and gain sales is ever-present. Every minute of the day, I could always be marketing or striving for more sales or reviews. At times it feels as if there’s some secret formula to follow and if I can only put on my Indiana Jones fedora and just decipher the hidden code, I’ll open the door the golden to world of  the best-selling author.

Yikes! No wonder I’m freaking out!

But, as always when I’m struck with these angsty fits of doubt, like anyone who is pursuing a dream knows, I eventually realize that these things don’t really matter. Do I want to sell millions of books? Do I want more reviews? Awards? Would I love to see my series one day on Netflix or Apple TV? 

Absolutely. 

But it’s not why I write. I wrote for years before I decided to become an author. I come up with ideas for new characters or stories every day.  The truth is that I love to create stories, and build characters who can hopefully connect with my readers in some way that’s meaningful.

Being published just means I have the opportunity to share my stories with others. I can’t help what others do with my work – they can buy it, get it for free at the library, steal a pirated copy, hate it, love it, review it…I have no control over any of this. So focusing on things like sales, reviews and awards is a losing proposition. I can only control myself. I need to tell the doubt to shut up and remember that I would be writing regardless of everything else.  Even if I didn’t have an incredible agent, an amazing publisher who both believe in my work, wonderful readers, who tell their friends and family about my books and leave me reviews so kind they bring tears to my eyes….without all of that I’d still be at this computer writing.   

The grip of doubt is loosening as it always does. Sometimes I wish these times of doubt never happened but so far, they have been an opportunity for a gut-check. They confirm why I write and help me remember what is important. I wish it wasn’t so unpleasant, but they do leave me with a firmer resolution to keep going.

Maybe I won’t sell my TV treatment. Maybe none of my other books will be published. But not trying to achieve the impossible doesn’t sit well with me. It turns out I like a challenge. I’m the kind of person who will take a period of hard work and stress in hopes for that wonderfully satisfying feeling of achieving a dream.

Funny how achieving one dream is never really enough. There’s always seems to be another one right behind your latest triumph.

Happy Tuesday🏖

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