“This is just what it is? Well, that sucks!”
That was my reaction to a friend when she told me she’d read an interview of Harlan Coben, a prolific writer and New York Times best-selling author. Coben stated, “I always think the insecurity is going to away, but it’s always there. Only bad writers think they’re good.” **
Are you kidding me? I’d hoped I’d gain some measure of confidence after writing for a certain number of years or when I had authored several books. But apparently I’m destined to be anxious about my ability to write as long as I continue to do so. Great!
Leave it to me to choose a profession where insecurity is part of the job description! I had called my friend to lament about writing my third novel – the progress I was making (one painstaking page at a time) and all the doubts I was having. What if my first two books were flukes? What if I don’t have a third book in me? What is everyone is just being really nice to me and humoring my writing dreams?
That’s when she dropped Coben’s truth bomb on me. I was disheartened to say the least. I’d hoped that as time went on, I’d start to feel more sure of myself as a writer. But it seems that’s just not the case. I guess there is some comfort in knowing that many writers also feel anxious about their ability to write, including someone as successful as Coben. But I still wish there was a way to relieve some of the insecurity of wondering if what I’ve written is good. Or some way to assuage the constant fear I have that I won’t be able to write another book.
Whether one is a writer, an artist, a teacher, a speaker, an advocate or a leader, putting yourself on the line for something you are passionate about is terrifying because you are almost never doing that alone in an empty room. For many, it is important to share one’s story, vision, or beliefs with others in the hopes of making that human connection we all are searching for. It’s hard to be sure whether what you are doing or saying will resonate with people. And just because you’ve succeeded once doesn’t mean you will be able to do so again. Times change, people change and it’s hard to know what you are doing will translate to the world around you.
Staring at a blank screen and waiting for a story to materialize is scary. Because I don’t outline my work, I don’t know whether something will work until I have it written down, which makes my writing process a bit of a nail-biter. With my current novel, saying goodbye to characters and a story I love are only adding to the difficulty of writing. I want to do right by each and every one of these characters I’ve come to love. I want their story to end properly, doing justice to everything I’ve learned about them over the past few years. I won’t know for sure that the story works until I’ve finished it, read it a few times and then given it to my trusted beta readers. The wait seems endless.
So there you have it! The curtain has been pulled back to reveal that being an author means signing up for a lifetime of doubt and insecurity with the added bonus of paying someone to correct your grammar. Sure, I can research things like “how to hide a body” or “hangover cures” and have a legitimate excuse for my internet search history. Oh, I’m just doing research for my new book…But I will always be insecure about my ability to write. Looking on the bright side, though, I think that worry will constantly motivate me to improve myself and my writing. Much like Coben stated, I don’t think I’ll ever be so confident that I will feel that I can coast through creating a manuscript. I will always be striving for more in my writing; always working to be better.
The only thing that can keep me from being a better writer is me.
Happy Tuesday!💕
** The Harlan Coben quote is from an article by Michael Bellman entitled ‘Five Wonderful Quotes From Harlan Coben On Writing”